Lack of Realism in Evan Almighty Dept.

If God really were to choose a modern-day Noah, my irrepressible friend Tina points out, He'd find the real-life going a lot tougher than He does in Hollywood make-believe...

And it came to pass, in the fourth day of the sixth month, that Noah settled in the land of Massachusettes. And behold, the LORD spake unto Noah and said, "Again hath the earth become wicked, and it repenteth me that ever I made man, and behold, I see the end of all flesh before me. In three years, I shall cause to open the floodgates of heaven, and every living thing that walks on the earth shall perish. But thou, Noah, shalt build thee an ark, and thou and thy family shall I save. Thou shalt take onto the ark two of every living kind of animal; male and female shalt thou take onto the ark with thee, and thus shall I replenish the earth when after I have caused the waters to recede and the dry land again to appear.”

And God did give Noah plans for the ark. And God said, “On this day three years hence shall I come to you again. Be thou ready.”

And it came to pass that on the appointed day God returned to Noah, in dark clouds and great wind. But Noah was found standing alone before his tent, weeping in dismay, for there was no ark.

And God waxed wroth, and demanded of Noah that he justify himself before God. And Noah pleaded for God’s mercy, saying, “Oh LORD, Thou knowest that I am now a stranger in the strange land of Massachusettes. And I began to build the ark as thou didst command. But the rulers of this land demanded of me a building permit, and the marshall of fires required of me that I install a sprinkler system, and my neighbors did brandish before mine eyes the covenants of building and did show therein restrictions of height. Therefore did I seek justice from the Development Appeal Board; but they have scheduled my hearing for next month.

“Then also did the Department of Transportation demand of me a bond for the future costs of moving power lines and overhead obstructions in clearing a way for the ark to proceed to the sea; nor would they hear me howeversomany times I did urge upon them Thy word that the sea would make a way to the ark without the hand of any man.

“Nor would the Environmental Protection Agency allow me to set the ax to the root of any tree, for it is forbidden to cut the forests in these lands, lest the spotted owl should perish; nor would they hear me howeversomany times I did urge upon them Thy word that the spotted owl shall verily perish and disappear from the face of the earth if so be that I fail to build the ark. And they did rule that it should not be allowed unto me to build any ark until they had completed an environmental impact study on Thy proposed flood; nor do they propose to begin this study of which they speak until six months from next Christmas.

“And also did the vile servants of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals fight against Thy holy will, for they did file suit against me, and did name Thee as a co-respondent, charging cruelty and inhumanity to animals, for that the stables within the ark were not in their eyes adequate for long confinement – though verily I do believe that their lawsuit is filed under false pretences and is merely an act of malice against Thee, for that they be yet pissed off over that whole sacrifice thing.

“Further, O LORD, know Thou that the Human Rights Commission and the United Construction Workers of America have filed a joint restraining order against me lest I and my sons build the ark, for the trade unions say that my sons lack adequate experience, having built only a single ark in earlier days, and the Human Rights Commission doth accuse thy servant of nepotism and of not hiring minorities; nor would they hear me howeversomany times I did urge upon them that my sons and I are Jews, for they say that the sons of Israel are too successful to count as minorities and that we oppress others rather than being oppressed ourselves; and indeed both the University of California at Berkeley and the Nation of Islam did sign amicus briefs taking the part of Thine enemies.

“The Department of Homeland Security did discover that neither I nor my family had passports or green cards, and that our homeland is in the Middle East. But of that, O LORD, Thou needest not concern Thyself, for that was lo these three years ago, and behold, it now seemeth that the Department of Homeland Security hath forgotten where we live. But it is not so with the Internal Revenue Service, which hath seized all my assets because I cannot produce my tax returns for the years of 266 and 267 B.C. And lastly, O LORD, the Department of the Interior hath filed criminal charges against me, claiming that I have conspired to export endangered species beyond the borders of this land with no export permit.

“So, O LORD, now do I beat my breast and plead Thy mercy, for I see not how I could build Thy ark in less than twoscore years.”

Then did the sky clear, and the sun shone brightly, and God set a rainbow in the sky as a sign. Then was Noah struck with wonder, and he asked of God, “O LORD, hast Thou truly in Thy mercy changed Thy mind, and wilt Thou now truly not destroy the world?”

But the LORD answered him, saying, “Verily, it is too late for that; for thy government hath beaten me to it.”