Saturday, December 15, 2007

"Well-Crafted Double-Barreled Non-Baptist Anti-Texan Zinger of the Day" Dept

From a collection of deadly insults, the title of which collection I unfortunately can't remember even though I bought it just two days ago (in my defense, I promptly gave it away to a friend who I thought could appreciate it better than I):

"If God had wanted Texans to ski, He'd've made bulls*** white."

I'll tack on to this one of my favorite anti-Texan jokes, in which one sees a Texan actually doing his pitiful best to be polite and not to be obvious about how superior he considers himself to be to the rest of the world...

A Texan tourist is sitting in a pub in Kilkenny (the one place in Ireland I'm not really interested in visiting, for obvious reasons) and the locals, who are in a hospitable mood thanks to the Texan's having prudently introduced himself by buying a round for the house, ask him what he thinks of Ireland.

"It's real purty; I like it a lot."

"And how will it be comparin' with Texas, then?"

The Texan attempts to be tactful. "Well, they're both real purty, just in awful different ways."

"Would you be tellin' us, then, what these differences might be?"

The Texan considers his words carefully. "Well, y'all have all these purty little farms with those purty little cottages and those meanderin' stone walls, and there ain't no front yards within a hunnert miles of Midland anywhere near as green as y'all's, and it's like vis'tin' a whole country made outa postcards. Only thang is...well, lemme put it this way: back home on my ranch in Texas, if I git up at dawn and walk outta my front door and get into my F-150 pickup truck, and if I commence to drivin' due west, and if I keep on drivin' th' whole day long, well, when th' sun goes down -- I'll still be on my own ranch."

The little Irishman next to him nods his head companionably. "Ah, yes, I too once had such a car..."


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