50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks Dept.
The Princess is directed to pay special attention to this list. Samples (not necessarily the funniest, just want to give you a feel for the general tone):
...So of course none of us should be shocked that in the years since this particular parody was posted on an obvious comedy site whose very name is www.pointlesswasteoftime.com, the author has been the target of "over 2,000 angry e-mails and over 50,000 angry message board posts, decrying [the of course non-existent] Dr. Oxford's horrendous judgement in film." [The Peril here interjects an editorial cackle of delight.]
#9. Violence.
Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.
...
#13. Did someone say plot hole?
Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.
#14. The Battle Droid Syndrome.
The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective fighters, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.
...
#17. Invisible Implausibility.
Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.
#18. The Asbestos Wizard, II.
The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.
...
#38. Realism, schmealism.
Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.
#39. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.
The most advanced civilization is that of the elves, which are long-haired, new-age types? Sorry, Mr. Jackson, but modern science has proven that in any modern civilization, hippies would be extinct.
#40. Too many notes.
No movie should be over two hours long. Did we need that whole thing in the mine in part 1? What about that almost-infinite battle scene in part 2? Didn't it seem like they were just adding pointless scenes in the middle to pad it? It's like they decided beforehand they wanted three hours for each film and used filler to flesh them out.
#41. Too many notes, II.
I just want to re-emphasize the above point. There is no reason entertainment can't be concise.
...
#50. What's that smell?
As bad as the Lucasfilm internet leaks were with the last Star Wars trilogy, the filmmakers of Lord of the Rings allowed the paperback novelizations onto shelves years in advance As if we needed any less of a reason to go see it.
posted by Ken Pierce @ 7:31 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
you read evoluntionary biology???
I'm no expert, and of course I don't have the knowledge to distinguish in this field between the plausible and the verifiable (other than to know that evolutionary biology's cousin evolutionary psychology, which is what I find especially interesting, is the purest of speculative intellectual pasttimes, alas). But I think some of it's pretty interesting stuff.
What I'd really like to see is an evolutionary mating-and-survival psychologist explaining the human tendency to indulge in ascetic celibacy... ;-)
Okay, to be fair, since I ought not assume that other people read this stuff and will recognize my previous comment as the cheap shot it is: David Sloan Wilson has actually had a crack at explaining the development of life-threatening degrees of celibate asceticism. You can read some of analysis here.
OK, I read just enough to know he's an athiest with some weird ideas, and didn't care to get to the part you were making fun of.
Yes, I am celibate, as an unmarried Christian woman, I SHOULD be! Is my "condition" life threatening? Gee, I don't think so! In fact considering the rate STD's are spreading - I really think I'm more healthy because of my celibacy!! And I doubt David Sloan Wilson is going to change my mind!!
Besides, evolution has been DISPROVEN, but some scientists and biologists are still reluctant to give up the idea of God, mainly because it spoils their fun.
However, for the Truth, go to http://www.thetruthproject.org/
and find out for yourselfs ;-)
But I am glad he called evolution a THEORY, so many are educated to believe it's a "fact". Me? I was made in the image of GOD, and refuse to believe I crawled out of a mud puddle somewhere, along with all the plants and animals along the way. hmmmm - why would anyone want to think that???
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