Thursday, September 17, 2009

Unrefined Jokes of the (Spectacularly Gorgeous) Day

Yes, indeed, Houston gets about three days every year of absolutely gorgeous weather, and after today our quote is 33% met...what a gorgeous, gorgeous, perfect day.

Two jokes for you guys, both of them with particular appeal to rednecks and similarly unrefined persons. To put it another way: persons of refinement (I do after all know some) probably will want to spare themselves. You have been fairly warned.


I was in a café out in Yellowstone Park the other day and couldn't help but overhear the conversation at the table next to me. The three gentlemen all looked like they had been in the woods a long time -- they could all have used a shower and a shave, for one thing -- and one of them, who was wearing a yarmulke, looked pretty seriously torn up -- right arm in a cast, left knee in a brace, a big white bandage on his head under the yarmulke. Turns out they were clergymen all, and that they had apparently met back up to settle a bet as to which one of them could do a better job out in the wilderness converting bears to his religion.

When I sat down, the Baptist preacher was holding forth in triumph. "Well, the first couple of bears I saw didn't seem to have any interest in the ways of the Lord, but then I got to one of them that stopped and listened to me. I told him all about the Four Spiritual Laws, and I quoted John 3:16, and I prayed the Sinner's Prayer over him, and when it was all said and done that bear was so convicted of his sins that he let me baptize him. Full immersion, my friends! Praise the Lord and set them angels t' dancin'!"

I wasn't sure what to think of this, but the next thing I knew the Catholic priest was weighing in. "Well, Reverend Simmons, that's pretty impressive, but I have to say I wasn't without success myself. The very first bear I met, I sat down with him and I read the catechism to him, and before the day was out I had taught that bear the Pater Noster and the Ave Maria -- only in sign language, of course, not in Latin; but even so, I have to say I'm satisfied with the success God bestowed upon my efforts."

A silence falls, as the preacher and the priest (and, surreptitiously, I myself) turn to gaze expectantly at the rabbi. He weighs his words carefully for a couple of seconds, and then says slowly, "In retrospect, I admit that it was unwise to begin with circumcision..."


HUSBAND OF BLONDE [to his wife]: Oh, honey, I don't know whether you noticed but I got a new toilet brush for our bathroom.

BLONDE WIFE [carefully, obviously not wanting to hurt her husband's feelings]: Yes, dear, I saw it, and that was very sweet of you, but...I hope you don't mind, but...I have to say, after trying that new toilet brush, I still kinda prefer the paper.


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