"The Complete Military History of France" Dept

To celebrate Pofirio Diaz's victory over the French on this date in 1862, I give you one of the most hilarious perversions of history I've ever seen. The person who drew up this list had an exhaustive knowledge of history, but what makes it a tour de force is his genius for finding ways to display each incident in French military history in the worst possible light by playing with such things as, to take just a single example, the difference in connotation between "Roman" and "Italian."

No serious point is intended here, only delight in the verbal virtuosity.

Here, to remind ourselves that even the famously incompetent Mexican army once found an army that it could defeat, is (courtesy of Tim Baber from back in the immediate aftermath of 9/11)...

THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE

- Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. (Catholic France claims a win over Protestant France by offering the throne to leading Huguenot Henry, who responds, "The throne of France isn't worth a Mass.")

- Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War: Tied.

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces Frogophiles the world over to label the period, quite properly, as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

- American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

- Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Mexicans, Vietnamese and Inuit.

- War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.