"Sometimes A Parent Feels Like Such A Failure" Dept

My poor kids, stuck with me as a parent instead of Madonna…who has just "pulled some strings" in order to get a credit card issued to her 8-year-old daughter Lourdes. One of Madonna's friends explains, "She is hoping to teach Lourdes to be responsible with money," which explains why the eight-year-old's card carries a $10,000 limit. As Dave Barry says, "If Lourdes exceeds the ten grand in any given month, we imagine she'll just have to mow lawns."

Meanwhile, the last time I called home, it was to suggest to MY children that an excellent entrepreneurial opportunity to make some spending money would be to go around to the approximately two billion yuppie families in our immediate neighborhood, and offer to go into said yuppies' fenced back yards on a regular basis and clean out the dog poop, for a suitable fee.

You just can't overemphasize the importance of choosing your parents wisely...