That ever-amusic font of hilarity...colonoscopies (I hear you laughing already)

First of all, we have Dave Barry's inimitable treatment of the subject, which may be found here.

Then we have the Top Ten Things Proctologists Claim Actually To Have Heard From Patients During Their Colonoscopies:

10. If the hand doesn't fit, then you must quit.

9. Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before...

8. Can you hear me NOW?

7. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

6. [singing] You put your left hand in, you put your left hand out...

5. Any sign of the trapped miners there, Chief?

4. Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.

3. You used to be an executive at Enron, weren't you?

2. Now I know what it feels like to be a Muppet!

And the Number One Thing Some Proctologist Claims Actually To Have Heard From A Patient During His Colonoscopy is...

1. Could you write a note for my wife saying my head isn't up there?

Hat tip: Dan Kirtane.