Saturday, December 27, 2008

Good lines from ESPN today

In summing up the year in sports, Jim Caple takes note of Usain Bolt's genuinely hilariously ridiculous dominance of the Olympic 100-meter men's final as follows:
Aug. 16: Usain Bolt wins the Olympic 100-meter dash and sets the world record despite turning around and moonwalking the final 30 meters.
And for those of you who didn't see Bolt pretty much taking a victory lap while the rest of the field wondered where he had disappeared to: Caple isn't exaggerating. Well, okay, maybe just a little.


The Sports Guy turns out to have exactly the same opinion of White Men Can't Jump that I have (I presume that he, too, was stunned by how good Woody Harrelson was in that movie, though he doesn't come right out and say so):
I would tweak "White Men Can't Jump" with the following moves: Denzel Washington for Wesley Snipes and Sharon Stone for Rosie Perez. Here's why: Snipes killed that movie (at least for me) because he was such an obviously lousy basketball player in real life. Every hoops scene physically pained me; really, nobody could stop this 5-foot-6 guy who dribbles over his ear, shoots line-drive jumpers and does the same crossover move every time? He's so bad that every time it's showing on Encore or TNT, I keep waiting for Mike Dunleavy to sign him during the closing credits. I just can't handle it. As for Rosie Perez, remember when the Son of Sam claimed his neighbor's dog talked him into murdering people? If I listened to Rosie's voice long enough, I really feel like I could commit a homicide. And you know what else? I don't think I'd go to hell for it. Maybe 20 years in purgatory, but ultimately, God would understand. I'm amazed this hasn't been used as a defense in a murder trial yet: Overexposure to Rosie Perez's voice.
Word, Sports Guy. Word.

The Sports Guy on Princeton University (don't ask how he winds up on this topic):
One last thing: Don't go to Princeton. I'm still waiting to meet my first Princeton grad that I might like. I am like 0-for-79. Princeton grads carry themselves like bad guys in a sports movie. Remember the scene in "Pretty In Pink" when James Spader ordered his two henchmen to beat up Andrew McCarthy because he didn't approve of McCarthy's poor girlfriend? There's no question that Spader's character went on to Princeton, just like there's no doubt Johnny Lawrence went to Duke. Neither hypothetical situation is up for debate.
And you wonder why, despite the fact that the Sports Guy has the morals of a porn star -- and, even more damning, the fact that the Sports Guy thinks I just complimented him -- I can't help but like the guy.

I didn't link to the Sports Guy's column, by the way, because my kids sometimes read the blog and follow the links, and Simmons's column, despite being on, is, in his words, "a free-flowing conversation that sometimes touches on mature subjects," always assuming that by "sometimes" you mean "incessantly" and by "touches on" you mean "revels in with complete disregard for any vestige of good taste." But when he can tear himself away from the college frat boy puerility and get back on the topic of sports, he's both insightful (especially when talking about the NBA) and hilarious. So, you can find him on Page 2 at if you don't mind wading through the dung to find the pearls. (I've been a consultant for so long, of course, that I personally am largely immune to verbal dung.)


But the line of the day unquestionably goes to former Tampa Bay defensive end Pat Toomay, who suffered through the infamous 0-14 season in which Tampa Bay coach John McKay, when asked what he thought about his team's execution, replied, "I'm in favor of it." And then, of course, Toomay has suffered thirty years of being called up by reporters every time some hapless NFL team opens the season 0-8. So, what's it like being one of the '76 Bucs, Patrick me boy?

Answers Toomay: "The luster wears off."

The Lions, by the way, are practically certain to put an end to the Bucs' purgatory. After all, how many teams have on their squad -- much less start -- a quarterback capable of plays like this one?


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