"Zen for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously" Dept

The Princess provides me with the following words to live by (and also with the title for this post):

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. [Note: really and truly, I once had a Bible Study leader who was so compulsive about his planning that we once caught him checking off on his to-do list an agenda item called "spontaneous fellowship."]
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. Raise my hand if you believe in psycho-kinesis?
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work sometimes pays off in the long run. Laziness always pays off now. [Note: I actually know the source of this one: it's the Procrastination poster, which is one of my favorites from despair.com.]
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. [Note: this reminds me of P. J. O'Rourke's classic reference to the horn in his piece on Third World driving: "...your car's horn, or, as it is also called, the Egyptian Brake Pedal."]
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. This explains why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.